“Trying to understand is like straining through muddy water. Have the patience to wait! Be still and allow the mud to settle.”
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
“Be one with the Tao. Act without forcing. Teach by showing. Things come, let them come. Things go, let them go. Give birth without possessing…” Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
I have been going through some transitions in my life lately, which have been a little hard for me emotionally. My kids are moving on with their own lives, as they should naturally do. I am happy for them, but I feel sad at the same time as we have turned some corners here in our relationships, as we each go on with our separate lives, and I am trying to learn the skill of letting go. It is harder than it sounds, but I am working on it. It is definitely a “work in progress” but isn’t everything we do a “work in progress?” I take comfort in knowing that “nature never hurries, but accomplishes all things in due time.” Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
While I am not a Physician or Mental Health Care Practitioner, I have studied this subject carefully in my own quest for happiness, and in my own search for the best person to create a life with. I have also carefully observed the actions, decisions and resulting consequences of the decisions that other people have made. This post is based on my observations and learnings, along with others who I have discussed this topic with at length. I have also personally experienced several very dysfunctional relationships, followed by the amazing and happy relationship that I have now. Contemplating the differences between these experiences has added to my understanding as well. Sometimes when comparing our thoughts and ideas we can gain new insights for our lives. With this in mind, I hope my observations will be helpful to you in your own search for happiness.
We are all very amazing and complex beings. We have the innate ability to create or manifest the experiences we need for our growth and development as multidimensional beings. We also consist of many layers or levels within our personal phaneron. We have our physical being, with all our mental formations or thoughts, along with a variety of feelings, which contribute to our emotional experiences. In addition to these we have our spiritual self, which includes our deepest beliefs about ourselves, others and life itself. Our spiritual self contemplates the deeper meanings of life, like why we are here, and what is the purpose of life? Our religious or spiritual beliefs also are within our spiritual self.
Part of this deeper longing for a meaningful happy life is what drives our desire to connect deeply and meaningfully with another person to form a lasting bond. We naturally seek a co-creator, to join with us to form and create a new shared dream of our reality. Together we co-create our relationship, our life experiences, and possibly new little beings to join with us in our story; as it flows like a river throughout our lives.
From my studies and observations I have observed 7 major points or levels that need to be present and have functional connections between us, for our relationships to properly flourish. I am sure there are more as well, but these are the main ones I have observed that need to be present in a good relationship. There are also many other interpretations and ideas that can help create a balanced relationship. These are simply my observations from my experiences and those of others I know.
Once you have found that person with whom you want to co-create a happy and meaningful life, you can begin building connections with each other in each of these seven points. I believe doing this can greatly enhance the quality of your relationship together.
7 Connection Points for Creating a Happy Relationship
Physical Attraction & Sexual Compatibility.
Security and Survivability.
Enjoyment of Life
Loving and Caring for Each Other.
Communication – Ability to Communicate your thoughts with each other.
Contemplation – Thinking and Learning from Each Other
Physical Attraction & Sexual Compatibility
The level of physical attraction and sexual compatibility you have with your partner is extremely important for the longevity of the relationship, and the ability to connect on the other 6 points. When you are first meeting and getting to know each other this is the first point most people connect on. It is the foundation for everything else to be built on.
Security and Survivability
The need for safety, security and trust is extremely important in any relationship. In the beginning of the relationship you will be watching for clues as to the ability of this person to be trusted. You will conscious of how safe or secure you feel with them, along with how much you enjoy being with them. Another factor here is how are they with handling money and making important decisions? This is very important for your future security and financial needs.
Enjoyment of Life
Early in a relationship part of what draws you in and makes think about staying with this person is how much fun you have together. When you are dating it should be fun for both of you. Look for ways to enjoy life together and connect through fun experiences, laughter and creating great memories of your time together. In a permanent relationship it is important to keep doing this, so you can fall in love with each other over and over again, as infatuation only lasts anywhere from 9 to 18 months. This all leads to the next point, Love.
Loving and Caring for Each Other
The next step in this progression of connecting with each other, to create a happy life long relationship together is falling in love. This is a wonderful and highly emotional experience. To flourish it needs the foundation of the physical/sexual attraction, along with the security and survivability, followed by a mutual sense of enjoyment of life together. If all these connections are present falling in love with each other can be a reality here. Love is the greatest experience we create together. As the Sufi mystic and poet Rumi said, “When I am with you, we stay up all night. When you’re not here, I can’t go to sleep. Praise God for those two insomnias! And the difference between them.”
Within all relationships this point is vital. If we cannot clearly and honestly communicate our thoughts, feelings and needs with each other, the relationship will suffer. To do this effectively we need to understand each other’s “love languages.” Different things make each person feel loved and cherished, along with respected and valued. It is so important to be able to do this effectively I will seek to do a separate blog post on this in the near future. In addition, I highly suggest reading the book, “The Five Languages of Love” by Gary Chapman to learn more about this awesome relationship skill.
Contemplation and Learning From Each Other
We are not meant to be static beings who grow up and reach a certain point, and then stop growing and learning, which causes us to just go into an existence mode, where we blindly go through life as we meet our obligations. We are happiest and best able to create a wonderful relationship with someone if we continue to grow and learn from each other all our lives. We need to take time to contemplate our experiences and mistakes in order to understand them, and learn from them. If we do not do this we will tend to repeat mistakes over and over again, for lack of understanding. If our communication is working well, and we take time to contemplate what we are learning from each other, we can better create the happy relationship we long for; due to understanding each others needs better. Love is not about “settling for each other,” it is about growing together and helping each other become the best possible versions of yourself, as you hurdle life’s challenges together.
Ultimately as we connect with one another on all these points, we will reach the spiritual connection. It is here at this point in the beginning of a relationship, that a couple decide to commit to each other and create a lasting bond. The spiritual connection is celebrated by the ceremony of marriage, in which you make this connection with each other. To keep the relationship happy and healthy going forward from this point, you need to go back through the 7 points of your connections with each other repeatedly. Reconnecting with each other, will help your relationship by making it possible for you to fall in love with each other, over and over again. “Love is the bridge between you and everything.” Rumi
As you create your lives together consider deeply the words of Rumi at the beginning of this post. We must seek to remove the barriers within our hearts that stop the flow of our love. Love is the greatest healer, source of forgiveness and the life-giving force within our Universe. All things that exist flow from love, and eventually return to the source of all love to begin again. I wish you well on your journey as you seek to create a life of love and happiness with the person who you choose.
Finding the best person to share your life with is very important when it comes to your life experiences and levels of happiness. It can be really hit or miss at times trying to find that special someone to create the relationship of your dreams with. To help optimize your success, I have 7 awesome insights here, to help you find the best person for you, and create the happiness you long for together.
There are many factors involved in creating a great relationship with someone. While it is up to you to decide what is most important to you in your potential partner, there are some key principles that are built into the very fabric of your being, that can help you achieve your love and happiness ever after dream.
Keep in mind as you consider potential possibilities that if you can see the highest and best potential in someone, and then encourage that person to become their best potential with your love and nurturing they can become absolutely amazing! It is possible for people bring out the very best in each other or the very worst! The goal here is to help you discover how to bring the best partner into your life, to create a relationship with; in which you both bring out the best in each other. You see, love is not as much about where it begins, as infatuation only lasts about 9 to 18 months at best. Love is about the journey you create together. It is about all the little things you do to fall in love with each other over and over again. It is vital to continually feed and nurture your relationship, much like cultivating a garden to keep it alive and flourishing.
As you consider who to spend your life with, ask yourself these questions.
Will I be happy spending the rest of my life with this person?
Are we sexually compatible? Am I attracted to them physically?
Do I feel safe and respected with this person?
How do they make me feel about myself? Do they bring out my best qualities?
Do they make good decisions on important matters?
Do we make good decisions together?
What am I looking for in a relationship?
What are they looking for in me?
Why do I want to be in a relationship at this time?
Why do they want to be in a relationship with me?
In what ways is this person good for me?
Are there any Red Flags in this person’s behavior or past that could mean trouble for me? (Do they have any addictions or destructive behaviors?)
How do they treat their family members and others they are close to?
Love is not about settling for the best you can get. It is about growing together, and helping each other become the best possible versions of yourself that you can be. Our love relationships can’t guarantee us a perfect life. A great relationship can give us love, companionship, passion and opportunities to grow. We can help each other heal our deficits, and through communication create the best strategies to survive all the curve balls life can throw your way.
It is my sincere desire to help you either find and create the best relationship you possibly can, or transform the one you are in, into the most amazing experience ever! Wouldn’t it be awesome to be able to look back on your lives together one day when you are older and say, “You have added to my life in so many wonderful ways! I can’t even imagine what my life would have like without you?” Let it be so.
In part 2 I will continue with some very unique insights into the seven chakras or levels within your being, that each need to be met in order to create the best possible relationship in my next post. In part 3 we will look at creating these connections in an existing relationship, along with detecting and healing any imbalances in order to achieve happiness together.
I once had a terrifying dream, in which I was visited by the incarnation of fear. Hand shadows danced across the ceiling in frightful dread, as a sound welled up from the floor like the waking dead. Frozen with fear I watched as a monstrous being slowly rose up through the floor, making the horrible sound I heard! Silently I prayed for deliverance from this terrifying being. In my dream I was joined by others who prayed with me for deliverance from the fearful menace. Suddenly, in a flash of light the dreadful incarnation vanished, replaced by a shining Angelic watcher. The angel spoke to me saying, “One thing you have yet to overcome. You must overcome fear.” At this point I woke in a cold sweat to consider the dream in depth. Continue reading “Overcoming Fear”→
While no human being is perfect by any means, and we all have our strengths and weaknesses; the role of a Father should not be underestimated. I count myself as very blessed for having a Father who never cheated on my Mom, and never left us to fend for ourselves. He always has been faithful to provide for us, and to help us to learn how to be the best people we could possibly be. While he did make mistakes like we all do, he did his best to learn from those mistakes and to change, grow and become a better person. I have also forgiven him for his mistakes, even as I have been so lovingly forgiven by him for my mistakes growing up. I greatly admire him for always seeking to better understand things and learn better ways of relating to others. Continue reading “My Father’s Blessing”→
My Mom and Dad recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary on June 9th! They had a really nice time together celebrating the day with friends, and reminiscing about their special day 60 years ago, when they first said, “I do..” To me they are both a great source of inspiration, wisdom and love! Although I live some distance away, I call often to visit with them on the phone. I really enjoy spending time with them whether in person or over the phone. Continue reading “My Parents Legacy of Love”→
Personally one of the traits I most deeply admire in my fellow humans, is the ability to be kind to others. To my delight on my way to work yesterday I got to witness one of the better moments you can have on your commute to work. We were approaching a traffic light in an area in town where there are still some beautiful grassy fields where cattle graze. As I was nearing the light I noticed everyone was stopping before the intersection, so I stopped too, and put on my hazards to warn other drivers that something was going on. I looked about quickly to see the reason for the stop, and that is when I saw them. A mother and father goose with about 6 young goslings walking across the road together in front of me and all the other cars. Continue reading “For the Love of Geese”→
I am reading the most wonderful book right now, “Living Buddha Living Christ” by one of my favorite authors, Thich Nhat Hanh. In this beautifully written book Thich Nhat Hanh eloquently compares and presents the teachings of both Buddha and Jesus Christ in very practical ways. He suggests using the concept of mindfulness to help us better understand each other. Buddhist concepts like mindfulness can be used within your own faith to help you grow in your understanding and tolerance of others who see things differently than yourself. Continue reading “How to become more Understanding ~ and Increase Your Peace and Happiness!”→
In today’s world with so many confusing changes taking place, life can feel very much like trying to navigate completely uncharted territory. To be able to do this with any degree of success, and avoid many problems along the way we need a moral compass or guideline to live by. So many people today feel uprooted or disconnected from the traditional values used to guide countless generations before them, leaving them with no compass to navigate these uncharted waters. Continue reading “A Faithful Compass to Guide Us through Life.”→